


a cry at the final breath

by patrichor



Series: the arcana verse [2]
Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Child Death, Gen, Gender-Neutral Apprentice (The Arcana), Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Mentions of Suicide, Named Apprentice (The Arcana), Plaguefic, Red Plague (The Arcana), References to Illness, Regret, definitely not insignificant, i promise there'll be a fic w comfort eventually lmao, not like a huge thing but
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:34:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24733984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patrichor/pseuds/patrichor
Summary: a series of unsent letters from kiri to asra, found upon his return to vesuvia
Relationships: Apprentice & Asra (The Arcana), Apprentice & Julian Devorak
Series: the arcana verse [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1788148
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	a cry at the final breath

**Author's Note:**

> all of the titles in this series are gonna be hozier lyrics tbfh  
> i'm finishing this at 5:45 am after not sleeping all night so i might come back and check for quality later but i don't have the brain capacity right now

_asra,_

_you're not going to read this, because i'll tell you in person once all this is over. i'm only writing ~~just in case-~~ because it helps me organize my thoughts._

_i'm not sorry for staying. i won't insult you by lying about that, but i am sorry for fighting. i wish we could've left on better terms. when you get back, once it's safe here again, i'll tell you so and we can go back to not being mad at each other._

_please believe me when i say this wasn't a rash decision. i'm not trying to throw my life away, you know me better than that. but i can't do nothing while people suffer. ~~not ever again-~~ i'll be working alongside other doctors, and we'll take as many precautions as we can. remember doctor julian? he's agreed to take me on as an apprentice. it's hard to tell if the plague is magical in nature, but since traditional medicine isn't exactly helping we're going to see if we can combine the two._

_i'll tell you all about how we find the cure afterwards, so look forward to it. just wait, i'll tell the tale so well you'll wish you'd stayed to see it._

_tell faust i miss her._

* * *

_asra,_

_the plague has to be magical. i don't think it could kill so fast otherwise. one of the other doctors was looking at models of previous plagues to figure out what measures we could take to slow infection rates, and she said there's no records of any plague killing as fast as this one. once the sclera turns red, the patient dies in a matter of days. without a cure, all we can do is make sure they're comfortable as they die._

_julian's been invited to the palace to work with other doctors there. he wasn't sure about leaving me on my own at the clinic, but i told him he could fuck off because brundle would look out for me. it was good to see him laugh. there hasn't been much to smile about lately. it's not like i was just making it up to make him feel better, though. brundle's scary smart. when i forget to sleep or eat for too long she'll come whine at me until i stop working. probably from years of putting up with julian's bad habits._

_i've been splitting my time between research and taking care of the infected. as frustrating as turning up dead end after dead end can be, it's still less difficult than watching these people slip away because of my failure. i can picture the look you'd give me if i said that. of course i know the whole damn plague isn't my fault, and i can't save everyone. but every day i fail to find a cure is another day of people dying. i can't let my emotions slow me down when there's so much to be done, but i still make time to write to you. you're just a good listener, i guess._

_i haven't given up. i'm going to find a way to help these people, no matter what. you keep saying how i'm smarter than i give myself credit for, so i'll trust you this time. ~~i think i might have a lead but it's~~ i'll figure something out. there hasn't been much help from the palace, but they're gathering doctors now so i think that might change. hopefully i'll have good news next time i write you._

_tell faust i miss her._

* * *

_asra,_

_still no progress. i've barely slept in the past week but i still can't find so much as a damn starting point. i feel bad for worrying brundle, but this is more important. she rarely leaves my side these days. honestly, i'm grateful for the company. i've barely seen julian since he went to the palace. i hope he's at least taking basic care of himself. he'll be useless if he works himself to death. then again, i'm hardly one to talk._

_i'm changing my approach. instead of focusing on the symptoms, i'm trying to understand the nature of the plague itself. if i wasn't already sure it's magical in nature, i would be now. there's something.. off about it. like it's malevolent. the idea seems weird, but when i reach out it's almost like the sickness is sort of.. twisting? moving away from my senses. i can't get the shape of it. if i can just figure out what kind of magic is involved, i might be able to undo it. the only problem is that it seems to instinctively repel my magic. i think i'll have to connect to the plague somehow, but ~~the only way i can think of is~~ i don't know how to go about that._

_i sat with some of the infected today. there's a boy, laith, staying in the clinic now. he's so fucking young, asra, it breaks my heart to see him in pain. i tried to help him, but all i could do was ease the pain somewhat. he reminds me of you somehow. i was mad at the time, but now i'm just relieved you're not here. if you were to get sick.. i really don't want to think about it. wherever you're holed up, be careful. i'd better see you back here safe and sound once the plague is gone, asshole. same goes for faust. could use her hunting skills around the shop, some beetles got in somehow and brundle refuses to go near them. i've only found a couple, but they say there's always more you can't see. wonder if they could be used for spells? i'll have to look into it after everything calms down here._

_tell faust i miss her._

* * *

_asra,_

_there's no other way, is there? i hate even thinking about it, but.. blood magic is damn powerful. i've been looking for a connection to the plague to understand it and dismantle it from within, and that's the only answer i've found. if i combine infected blood with my own blood, i could use that as a focal point. it would probably only work on an individual level, so it's not exactly the cure we've been looking for, but.. laith is running out of time. i can't let him die, not without at least trying every option available. he's just a kid, asra, he's terrified of dying. i've been trying to slow the plague's progression, but that'll only work for so long._

_you can lecture me about safety when this is over, okay? i keep imagining your disappointed face when you hear about this. it's not what you're probably thinking. ~~i'm not my uncle, alnazar~~ i fully intend to survive and continue annoying the shit out of you for years to come. though, you won't read these ~~unless something goes wrong~~ so i guess it doesn't matter what i say._

_i'm going to use laith's blood. if there's a chance of helping him, i have to take it._

_this will work. it has to. i'll write again with good news._

_tell faust i miss her._

* * *

_asra,_

_i think it worked. gods, i think it worked! i stayed with laith to monitor him after the experiment, and his fever seems to have gone down. he's still very sick, but he woke up for a little while and managed to keep some broth down. i almost cried i was so relieved. i didn't actually cry, mind you, and if brundle says otherwise she's a fucking liar. it's exhaustion, that's all. i used almost all my magic energy just chasing the plague out of laith through his blood, i can barely stay awake long enough to write you._ _his fever hasn't broken yet, but he's doing better already._

_i just wish it was possible to do this on a larger scale, but it took everything i had for just one person. it's going to take time for me to recover my strength, to say nothing of the blood loss. oh- it's not as bad as it sounds, really. it just took a couple tries before i could get anywhere, so i had to use more blood than i anticipated. don't worry, i'll take care of myself. i think brundle's close to knocking me down and sitting on me until i fall asleep, anyway. i wouldn't put it past her. i think she's worried about julian. we haven't heard anything from him in a while._

_i think i should check on him soon, once laith is better and i've rested. i'll tell him about the blood magic then and see if he can figure out how to replicate the process. with less magic, of course._

_tell faust i miss her._

* * *

_asra,_

_laith's stopped improving, but he seems to be holding steady. is the blood fix temporary, or did i mess up somewhere? if i think of it as forcing the plague to leave his body, did i just miss some? i don't like those implications. hopefully i'm just jumping to conclusions. he doesn't seem to be getting worse again, and i'll take what i can get._

_those beetles are still hanging around. it doesn't seem like they're just in the shop, though. i've seen them in a few places around the city. sanitation isn't doing so well what with the plague and all, so i guess it makes sense for weird things to roam around. i still think faust would like them, they look crunchy. i keep thinking that there are blood splotches whenever i catch one in the corner of my eye. gave me a fright the first few times, but you get used to stuff like that pretty quick working in a clinic with the infected._

_i must have used more energy than i thought. i've rested as much as the situation will allow, but i still feel exhausted. my eyes are so bloodshot you'd think i haven't slept in days, but i find myself nodding off if i sit in one place for too long. i also have a bit of a cough. have i really been neglecting my health this much?_

_tell faust i miss her._

* * *

_asra,_

_he's gone._

_i failed him. i was so sure i had figured out how to help, but i couldn't do shit. i promised him he'd be okay, asra! i knew i shouldn't have but i did because he was scared and now he's dead because of me. i thought i could help someone, even just one person, but the most i can do is make sure it doesn't hurt when he dies._

_i haven't been able to eat since.. since. i feel bad for worrying brundle, but the idea of food makes my stomach turn. i've barely slept, either, my eyes keep looking redder. ~~if i didn't know better i'd think~~ it's getting harder to focus for very long. whenever i can, i'm gathering all the research i've done to send to julian. i don't think i'll be have the strength to keep working for a while. maybe a long time._

_you've been crossing my mind a lot lately. i keep catching myself waiting for you to come through the door with some batshit solution to fix everything. it's stupid, i know you're far away from vesuvia. i've just been remembering all the other times you've somehow known when i ~~need~~ could use some help. remember when we first met? i was about to wipe the floor with those jackasses until you intervened and talked everyone down. i was this close to punching you, too, but even when you're a stranger you're hard to stay mad at. buying me pumpkin bread as an apology definitely helped. i'm glad you're safe right now._

_i miss you and faust. take care of yourselves._

* * *

_asra,_

~~_so, turns out_ ~~

~~_i have to tell you something_ ~~

~~_i fucked up_ ~~

~~_i'm so sorry_ ~~

_guess you'll be reading these after all. sorry about that. i really wanted to see you again, but i guess that's not going to happen. i'll try and explain as best i can before everything gets hazy again._

_i'm sick. with the plague. i don't think i have long, asra. i put off writing to you as long as i dared, but i can't any longer or i might not write at all and you deserve to hear it from me. it was the blood. instead of forcing the plague out of laith's blood, i gave it a direct connection into mine. gods, i'm so fucking stupid. i guess i'm too similar to uncle after all. you'd think i'd have learned not to mess with blood magic, and yet here we are._

_i can feel myself fading. my throat is dry no matter how much i drink, and i forget to eat for days at a time. i sent brundle to stay with another doctor. she didn't want to leave me by myself, but she should be with people she can help. people who still have a chance. i sent my research to julian, but i didn't see him in person or tell him the real reason in the note i put with it. if he's too busy to visit then worrying about me will only distract him from finding a cure. i hope he doesn't blame himself when he finds out, dramatic bastard. i'm the one who didn't tell him what i was doing. some apprentice, huh?_

_i'm going to the lazaret tonight. part of me is insisting i wait just one more day to give you time to show up to the rescue, but. it's stupid, right? even if you did get here in time, what could you possibly do except get yourself sick? i'm just being sentimental because i'll be gone soon. my last chance to feel anything, you know? ~~i just have this feeling that if i wait then maybe~~ better to just get it over with. if i wait, i'll start hoping for the impossible._

_i miss you. i know i don't say this often enough, but i really do love you. you've been my closest friend and all-things-considered-pretty-decent-roommate for years now, and i don't know how i would ever have managed without you. i'm leaving the shop and everything to you. it's already basically half yours anyway, i guess now it's just official. look after it for me, will you? and take care of yourself too, asra. if you so much as think about trying to join me i'll come back to haunt you and curse you with eternally itchy clothing and a personally insured long lifespan. look after faust, and let her look after you. you're both important to me._

_..if i keep delaying much longer, i may not go at all. i'm sorry. ~~i don't want to die~~ ~~i'm scared~~ goodbye asra, faust. hopefully i won't see you again for a long time._

_take care._

_kiri_

**Author's Note:**

> hhhaha you guessed it asra arrives the day after the last note is written, barely missing kiri because i cause pain to cope with my own suffering  
> stay safe today drink water take your meds relax the muscles in your face & neck and for hecks sake please get some sleep


End file.
